3am

              They don't know me. They haven't tried to talk to me at 3am when I am not hyped up on Adderall and caffeine, when I'm not wearing makeup or my fancy clothes, when I can barely keep my eyes open. They don't know that at 3am I am too tired to keep up with this facade.
              They act like we are best friends but they have never even met me. They only know the me that I pretend to be. They aren't friends with me, they are friends with an idea.
              Maybe someday they will meet me at 3am but I'm not sure I will ever really be ready for anyone to know who I am. The very idea of letting someone see me so vulnerable, after the only person who has really known me has become a stranger, gives me so much unbearable anxiety.

Escape Training.

               I've spent my whole life planning my escape. Over and over again I've been preparing to get away. Every time I've taken a blade to my skin, I've been building up my pain tolerance, making my skin thicker.  Every time I've broken, I've been learning to put myself back together. Every time I've pushed someone out of my life, I've been teaching myself to stay unattached to people. Every time I've spent too much time daydreaming, I'm scheming. I am learning. I am planning. I am growing. I am making all of this pain and suffering worth it. My escape from this place will be worth it.